Ketchup on a hot dog is a stain on American values
Warning: This piece contains graphic and disturbing images. Parental discretion is advised if children are present.
I was talking with someone the other day about restaurants. As the discussion progressed, she said, “I am becoming such a food snob”.
I thought about this for a while.
What exactly is a food snob?
The constant critic? The over obsessive perpetual picky eater? The organic only oaf? The gluten free glutton? The paleo puritan? The vengeful vegan? The ingredient obsessed persnickety pest?
Maybe it is the babbling food blogger or bungling barbecue purist.
What is a food snob?
To a certain extent, we are all food snobs. We all have our quirks, idiosyncrasies, habits, oddities, and other personal eating or cooking traits.
There is one food snob that is intolerable, unacceptable, and should be banned from eating in public or even with family members.
This person is not only a snob. He or she exhibits the worst form of perversion.
This particular food snob is a bright red stain on the pure fabric of American values.
This snob displays traits worse than anarchism, radicalism, extremism, or even terrorism. This snob loudly pontificates their privilege and supremacy.
This snob is worse than the ists, isms, and phobias people exhibit.
Who is this food snob? This traitorous, seditious, amoral, hater of all that is good about America’s favorite food? This abomination before God and country? This pestilence on everything good and great about America?
The person who puts ketchup on a hot dog.
Only the most perverted, demented, fiend enjoys his or her wiener topped with ketchup.
Worse, he or she tops their dog with ketchup in public, in front of children, for goodness sake.
Look, what you do in the dark confines of your own home, when alone with your wiener, is your business. To do it in front of family members, especially children, or in public, is an anathema, monstrosity, heinous crime, and horror.
People who put ketchup on hot dogs deserve detestation, loathing, repugnance, and abhorrence. They should be publicly repudiated for their evil transgressions.
They should be banned from enjoying their wiener in public. Families should denounce and disown members for such a disgrace. They should be considered dead in the eyes of their former loved ones.
This ketchup on a hot dog snob believes it is his God given unalienable right to desecrate America’s food symbol of patriotism.
Ketchup on a hot dog supremacy and privilege must be eradicated to make America great again. Only education and indoctrination can accomplish this.
We, as God fearing citizens, cannot allow this privilege and supremacy survive.
We are a nation of laws and rules. If these laws and rules are violated, this whole thing of ours, America, will crack and crumble.
Putting ketchup on a hot dog should be done in secret. It does not belong out in public for the whole world to see. It does not belong on the cover of magazines or all over the internet.
This perversion should remain secret, in the privacy of your own home, even away from other family members.
If this practice or orientation is not stopped, KOHD stands will soon be popping up all over America. These people will want to share the same restaurants as the rest of us. They will demand hot dogs be served with ketchup. Any one denying them this will be bullied, shamed, and possibly forced to pay fines or put out of business.
The KOHD community will demand rights to marry and have children. Their children will go to schools, polluting the minds of good American children with their hot dog smut.
We must be on the right side of history about this important issue. No one should put ketchup on a hot dog. No one should desecrate their wiener with ketchup, especially in public.
Those who do should suffer harsh penalties. This is the only way to stop this anathema. It is the American way.