Heinz is Chicago’s Red Menace resist and revolt
How low can you go? How sneaky and devious can you get? How sinful can you be?
Just ask Heinz. They want Chicagoans to put ketchup on their hot dogs. They repackaged ketchup into Chicago Dog Sauce.
The label, which looks just like the ketchup label, bears the four stars of the Chicago Flag. The bottle looks like a bottle of ketchup.
Heinz is selling cat food packaged as dog food. It is a fiendish perversion. An abomination.
They are timing this campaign for National Hot Dog Day, July 19th. July is National Hot Dog Month. One could accuse Heinz of luring people to use ketchup disguised as dog sauce to commit the worst and lowest form of perverted behavior.
Let us be clear. Make no mistake. You do not feed dogs cat food. You do not put ketchup on hot dogs. It is an atrocity.
Putting ketchup on hot dogs is a mortal sin. It is blasphemy and heresy. It is treason and sedition. It is a crime against nature. It goes against all that is good and decent in America.
Those are the rules. Civilized rules. If people break the rules our whole society falls apart and crumbles. One of those rules is, never put ketchup on a hot dog. You never break the rules. Never is a very long time. It is an eternity.
When the end times come, Heinz and its cult like followers will meet Death upon his pale mustard horse and all Hell will follow. Until then, we citizens must act. Rise up.
There is only one thing to do. Revolt and resist. Man the barricades. Keep Heinz Chicago Dog Sauce out of Chicago. Send it packing to some uncivilized city like New York or Los Angeles. Let those pagan heathens practice their Satanic food rituals. Let them wallow in perversion and fiendish activities.
If we, good Chicagoans, allow Heinz to invade with their dog sauce, what other perversions will follow? Ketchup on oysters? Ketchup on steak? Ketchup on kimchi? Ketchup on fried chicken? Ketchup on everything?
I do not need a bottle of Heinz ketchup to hit me in the head to see what is really going on here. This is a major attempt by Heinz to implement worldwide ketchup domination. They want to drip and sop the world with red glop.
Heinz is the new Red Menace.
That’s right folks. Here in our pure American city, Chicago, the most American of American cities, Heinz is fomenting a Red Menace revolution. This is how it starts. Once they spread their Red Menace to a large populace, it will spread world wide. There will be no safe place.
Heinz must be stopped and stopped now from imposing and spreading the Red Menace of ketchup leading to world domination.
We, the people of this great city, must stand up and fight back. Do not allow anyone to put Heinz Chicago Dog Sauce on a hot dog. Write your aldermen. Demand laws against Heinz, the Red Menace, from selling ketchup disguised as dog sauce. Demand they form investigative committees. Scour our city government. Find out if anyone puts ketchup on hot dogs. Black list them. Imprison them.
In America, the Second Amendment guarantees the right to bear arms. Arm yourself with squirt bottles of mustard. If you see one of the Red spies, traitors, or fifth columnists putting ketchup or dog sauce on a hot dog, protect our way of life. Squirt them with mustard.
People who put red glop on hot dogs are the enemy within. They deserve nothing less than to be shot through with mustard.
Nothing less than our way of life, our pure patriotic values, are at stake. Better dead than red. A mustard war is preferable to that of ketchup domination.
Heinz must be stopped from perverting our youth with immoral ideas. They must be stopped from polluting the hot dog world with ketchup. Their quest for world domination must be put down swiftly, ruthlessly, and mercilessly.
Nobody puts ketchup on a hot dog. Not even if it is cat food disguised as dog food.